Inside “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Facebook groups, which have a reported 3.5 million members, as some users say the dating forums cause more harm than good
Washington Post : X: @washingtonpost , @nickparkerstet , and @lisabonos Forums: r/UpliftingNews , r/TwoXChromosomes , r/AWDTSGisToxic , and r/afterAWDTSG X: @washingtonpost : A network of forums that aim to make courtship safer have at times harmed the men who are the subjects of posts. Women who opened up in the communities, meanwhile, have felt their safety was put at risk. https://www.washingtonpost.com/ ... Nick Parker / @nickparkerstet : A deeply reported labor of love from @britsham and @marisa_iati that's worthy of your weekend reads: https://www.washingtonpost.com/ ... Lisa Bonos / @lisabonos : If you're a single woman who dates men, you're probably in one of these “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups. Well, be careful what you read + post there... @britsham + @marisa_iati's deep-dive on how the groups sometimes spiral out of control https://www.washingtonpost.com/ ... Forums: r/UpliftingNews : Are we dating the same guy? Facebook groups offer intel but upend lives. r/TwoXChromosomes : Are we dating the same guy? Facebook groups offer intel but upend lives. r/AWDTSGisToxic : Are we dating the same guy? Facebook groups offer intel but upend lives. r/afterAWDTSG : Are we dating the same guy? Facebook groups offer intel but upend lives.
Context & Ripple Effects
These groups extend the role private Facebook communities can play beyond social connection into peer-to-peer screening. Earlier coverage described how private Facebook Groups can insulate communities from trolls and toxic content, but this account highlights that privacy can also limit recourse when allegations or personal details circulate.
The story matters because the same safety mechanism can expose both the people discussed and the people posting. Later reporting on Telegram groups targeting AWDTSG participants underscores how conflict around these forums can spill into other, less accountable channels.
First-order effects
- Men named in posts can face reputational harm from allegations shared within large member networks, while women who disclose experiences may face retaliation or exposure.
- Facebook is hosting communities whose stated safety purpose is contested by reported harms to both subjects and contributors, raising an immediate content-enforcement and privacy-management challenge.
Second-order effects
- Group administrators and Facebook moderators face harder trade-offs between preserving member anonymity, handling disputed claims, and limiting doxxing or harassment.
- When users see formal dating platforms as inadequate for vetting partners, informal screening groups can become a parallel trust layer rather than a feature controlled by the dating apps themselves.
Third-order effects
- If these communities remain central to dating safety, platforms will face a durable governance problem: private-group protections can support candid reporting while also reducing transparency and due process.
- The pattern points toward safety conversations fragmenting across social platforms and private channels, where retaliation risks can travel with the information even when the original group is closed.
The trend: Dating safety is increasingly being mediated by user-run, cross-platform trust networks rather than by dating apps alone.